Performance Appraisal

Where I work, its that time of the year. Yes, February. Also, Appraisals. Having been here for a while now, I am familiar with how these things play out. About a month or two before the review happens, employees are encouraged to submit proof of having done more than just survived through the year. That would be like saying ' HAVE YOU DONE ANY WORK DURING THE YEAR? ... ', just in case you think like me and don't get subtle hints. ' ... IN THE OFFICE ...' in case you still think like me. ' ... NO, EATING CAFETERIA FOOD DOESN'T COUNT' - if you are still thinking like me.

So, a dedicated HR team (dedicated HR, thats an oxymoron!) continuously mentions submission deadlines which everyone (including HR) ignores. After these deadlines have been extended about a hundred times and submissions have been received at gunpoint , the managers sit together to discuss the rating through dedicated brainstorming and multiple rounds of intense discussions among diverse panels of senior executives. I just have a sample conversation for you all.

Senior Mgr1: I think Gabbar did a great job. Heres the proof. He deserves a great rating
Senior Mgr2: Oops, I just spilt coffee over my trousers .. gimme that paper so that I can rub the stains
Senior Mgr1: Take this paper printout of Gabbar's submissions
.. A minute of cleaning later ..
Senior Mgr1: Gabbar's submissions are coffee stained .. he is irresponsible
Senior Mgr2: Yes, he deserves a poor rating

Well, not really. But, these conversations can happen. I do see a lot of coffee getting consumed in these meetings. And many of the appraised employees do feel that their achievements have been treated similar to paper used in other .. ahem .. delicate situations. So, finally with the appraisals done and the coffee producing economies of Brazil and Colombia having received a nice boost, the delicate matter of communicating the appraisals to the employees begins. The HR team communicates a deadline to the managers by when the employee needs to know the rating. The employee unaware of this deadline, like all SriRamaSene-fearing 'true' Indians, is fast asleep while non-Indians born and brought up in India party in a secret pub somewhere in Mangalore. Many managers I know believe in having an open, frank and honest discussion with their reportees. A minority tend to call up the employee about a minute from the deadline. The former category being about 5 and the latter being about 5 million. I have a sample conversation for you all.

Time - Feb 4, 23:59:00 hours
Mgr: Hello Samba, how are you?
Employee: Huh .. *yawn* huh?
Mgr: You have been identified as mediocre, middling performer
Employee: Huh .. *yawn* huh?
Mgr: Well, thats it then .. Am looking forward to you doing a great job this year
Employee: Huh .. *yawn* huh?
Mgr: Bye!
Time - Feb 4, 23:59:45 hours
Mgr to self: Job well done!

Well, not really. But these conversations can happen.

Consulting and other matters

Many of you have wondered why I haven't blogged in a while. Some of you haven't. The exact numbers being 2 and 2 million respectively. All I can say in response is "The laws of physics are the same for all observers in uniform motion relative to one another." Yes, I know it doesn't make sense to you. It did to good old Albert. He won a prize too - from the guy who invented dynamite.

Some of you wanted more info on Poli and his exploits. I am glad to tell you that Poli has tied the knot. Many of us have been tying it every day to work. Yes, the tie knot. And no, thats not the knot he tied, though he is known to tie tie knots that can leave most of us gasping. No, not in awe. Mostly due to breathlessness. The knot good old Poli tied is the wedding knot. Promptly, Mrs and Mr. Poli headed off to Europe for a well-deserved honeymoon. In true Greek God tradition, he first took her to Athens. As he left, there were riots in Greece. Subsequently our intrepid couple headed to Venice. As they left, the city erupted in tears and there has been massive flooding. They have now landed in good old Bangalore. There has already been a cab strike after they returned.

None of you wanted more info on me or my exploits. There is this famous saying - "You never ask the right questions even though the right answers are staring you in the face and laughing at your pimples" - attributed to a slightly drunk but mostly in control Avionic Spanker. Legend has it that he said this in Dec 2008. My point is: Thanks for not asking. Here are the answers anyway. I am in Bangalore too. And no, I was here much before the cab strikes began.

Continuing the glorious tradition of providing consulting services to random clients and following an unplanned career, I am now at the mercy of a client who "aims to reach the moon in the long term, but does not know how to get to Mysore from Bangalore in the near term". That last quote, which I would be proud to take ownership of, was by a senior executive of the client firm during a project review meeting. I wanted to get up and tell him he couldn't get from Bangalore to Mysore because these cities don't exist any more. Whoever heard of moving across imaginary cities! I could give him the rail route to get from Bengalooru to Mysuru if needed. As I was pondering when I should enlighten him, my survival gene which is mostly dormant, kicked in - and in all the wrong places, to ensure that I didn't actually tell him what I felt. So he was not able to get a sample of my brilliant insight. In summary, I still have the job. And the assignment. And yes, I don't think the said senior executive reads my blogs. On the other hand, if you are this executive, can I sell you a railway timetable?

The names consultant, PI consultant!

What do I do? I am a consultant. Oh yes, cue bad consultant jokes. "Those who can, do. Those who can't, consult" or "Hiring consultants to conduct studies can be an excellent means of turning problems into gold, your problems into their gold". Pretty bad, eh? And then theres this one which is a a great source of mirth - A consultant is a man who knows 99 ways to make love, but doesn't know any women. Ha! You are wrong, folks .. there are more than 99 ways and *ahem*. We can take the discussion offline if you are interested and are a single beautiful woman looking for errr .. fruitful conversations.

Anyways, this particular post has nothing to do with the jokes. Its more to do with the response of the people I meet when I tell them I am a consultant. I immediately get this knowing look - the kind of knowing look you give when the person you are talking to has told you he has a degree in plumbing from the International Association of Plumbers, headquartered in Washtington DC no less. And, remembering ur latest misadventure at home, you are thinking, "Aha, this guy works with taps and pipes .. maybe he'll fix my leaking bathroom faucet for free if I show some interest". So embarking on your grand plan, you tell him how you always dreamt about being a plumber and your understanding of dignity of labour et al. In this case, I usually get to hear some gentle encouraging comment about how I'll get a dignified 'permanent' job soon. Yep, thats what the great software, IT, ITES boom has done - they have added the word 'consultant' to everyone's vocabulary. Everyone is sure that a consultant is a guy who has a temporary job or is someone who calls up ppl asking them to switch jobs. Everyone from the old grannies singing bhajans and kirtans in some dingy corner of the house to bored aunties who discuss which is the longest bindi in our prime-time soap operas to punks with weird hairstyles similar to those sported by Aamir Khan in Ghajini. All I can say is "Thank you Infosys, TCS, Satyam, Wipro, CTS etc etc" .. special thanks to TCS for having Consultancy as their middle name. Wonder who came up with that name. The reaction I received recently upon reluctantly mentioning my occupation was the icing on the cake. "Oh, so you help people get jobs? Listen, a friend of mine is looking for a job change .. You think you can help?" Why yes, ma'm .. I certainly can help. You can tell me who this friend is and I'll tell their boss they are looking for a job change. That should speeden up the process.

I AM NOT THAT KIND OF CONSULTANT .. thanks!